The
first week of the new year has come and gone—and so have my New
Year’s resolutions. Off they galloped into the snowy distance like
a herd of goats that just noticed I left the gate open. I had such
high hopes, such bold ambition. I was going to be healthier! More
active! Better organized! And thinner by accident!
Instead, I’m
sitting here in fleece pajamas, surrounded by cookie crumbs, typing
this with fingers slightly sticky from a leftover candy cane I found
in my coat pocket. If you need a visual, imagine Cookie Monster and a
hibernating bear had a baby and gave it a laptop.
Let’s do a little
post-mortem, shall we?
Resolution
#1: Eat Healthier
Now,
I didn’t say “go on a diet,” because I’ve reached the age
where I know myself. Diets are like bad boyfriends: they promise you
everything, leave you cranky and hungry, and in the end, you end up
crying into a sleeve of Oreos wondering where it all went wrong.
So I figured I’d
just eat healthier. Reasonable, right? Swap chips for carrots. Cut
back on sugar. Maybe steam some broccoli. I made it all of four
hours. I was doing so well—eggs for breakfast, some plain Greek
yogurt, a banana that wasn’t even bruised yet.
And then a neighbor
showed up with cookies. Homemade. Still warm. I barely remember what
happened next—it’s all a blur of butter, sugar, and shame. All I
know is that by 2:00 p.m. I was covered in crumbs, looking down at my
fourth cookie like, “Well, I can’t stop now, that’d be rude.”
By dinner, I was
full of regret and also lasagna.
Resolution
#2: Exercise 15 Minutes Every Morning
Okay,
stop laughing. It seemed doable at the time. I mean, fifteen minutes?
That’s barely enough time to complain about how cold it is outside.
But here in northern
New Hampshire, walking outdoors in January is what you do when you’re
tired of living. So, I turned to my trusty treadmill—if by “trusty”
you mean “completely buried under a year’s worth of seasonal
junk, two feed bags, a winter coat I thought I lost, and something I
think might be a Halloween decoration from 2008.”
When I finally dug
it out, I realized I hadn’t plugged it in since I bought it. Last
year. In February. It still had the “remove protective plastic
before use” label on the screen. Let’s just say the only cardio
happening so far is me breathing heavily after lifting the vacuum
cleaner to get to the extension cord.
So, no. No 15-minute
workouts. But I have been thinking about working out a lot, and
mentally, I’m in the best shape of my life.
Resolution
#3: Bring My Last Year’s Accounting Up to Date
I
started this one. Honest. I even sharpened a pencil for it and
everything. I opened the ledger, pulled out receipts, created a
spreadsheet, and stared at it like it might magically balance itself
if I just looked at it with enough guilt.
By Day 3, I had
organized everything from January through March. Then I accidentally
spilled hot chocolate on April. So technically, I’ve finished a
quarter of the year and sweetened the second quarter.
On the plus side, I
now know exactly how much I spent on goat dewormer and chicken
scratch last year—which is knowledge that will be very useful if I
ever go on Jeopardy!
Resolution
#4: Be More Organized
Hoo
boy. This one went off the rails faster than a toddler on espresso. I
had color-coded folders, a to-do list app on my phone, and a
brand-new planner with inspirational quotes and space for weekly
goals. It was going to be my Year of the Binder.
I lost the binder. I
think it’s under the stack of seed catalogs and unfinished crochet
projects on my desk. My to-do list is now just a collection of notes
scrawled on old feed tags and the back of the electric bill. I’d
like to say I’m working on decluttering, but I can’t find the
list of things I planned to declutter.
By now, most
resolutions have met the same fate as last year’s
poinsettia—wilted, abandoned, and slowly decomposing in the corner.
Mine? They’re somewhere out back, holding hands, humming “Auld
Lang Syne,” and washing down their regrets with leftover holiday
candy.
If you’ve managed
to keep even one, congratulations—you are clearly some sort of
mythical creature who thrives on kale and discipline. The rest of us?
We’ve reverted to our natural winter form: elastic waistbands,
questionable snack choices, and a vague promise to “start fresh on
Monday.”
Here’s to the New
Year: may our sweatpants be forgiving, our goals just unrealistic
enough to give us something to laugh about next January, and our
snacks last longer than our resolutions.
Now, pass the
cookies.
Resolution
Survival Rate:
New Year's Resolution Success Chart:
[✓] Eat Healthier.......................... 0% Success (Cookies won.)
[✓] Exercise 15 Min/Day.............. 0% Success (Treadmill still pouting.)
[✓] Catch Up Accounting...... 25% Success (Up to March. Go me!)
[✓] Be More Organized................... 2% Success (I *own* a planner.)
Average Success Rate: 6.75%
Moral Victory Rate: 100% (I got dressed twice and cooked vegetables once.
