Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Spring is Coming, Eventually

I received the first of the spring 2009 seed catalogs in the mail today. Either spring is closer than I think or these companies have no clue about our north country winters. Up here we won't even see bare ground till sometime in late April and we can't plant till well into June. Just to let you know how far north "up here" is, there's a sign about 15 minutes north that identifies the 45th parallel. That's the halfway point between the equator and the north pole. So for now I'll just dream of spring. Perhaps they're just anxious to let me know they have items for me when, in the distant future, I might be ready to even think about planting.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Merry Christmas!

I love to wish everyone Merry Christmas and I’ve yet to have anyone be offended. I’m not offended when someone might reply “Happy Hanukkah” or “Happy Kwanzaa”. But the thought of “happy holidays” really bugs me. So here’s a new holiday I think just might be a hit, at least at my house.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited their doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze; but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.

If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry off so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always, MOM

P.S. One more can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa for many years to come.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

The Doghouse!

Found this on another blog I follow and it's just way too funny not to share. Make sure the man in your life sees this before he goes holiday shopping.