Monday, March 9, 2009

Obituary - Androscoggin Rooster, 2006-2009 (Approximately)

We gather today—briefly, and with appropriate caution—to mourn the passing of Androscoggin Rooster, a strikingly handsome Partridge Rock with a flair for drama and a taste for human ankles. He died today at American Way Farm in northern New Hampshire, following a brief but ill-advised scuffle with his owner, Sandy.

In recent weeks, Androscoggin and Sandy had reached what could best be described as a tense truce. There had been… incidents. And discussions. And a few choice words. And, for a time, there was peace in the barnyard.

That illusion shattered yesterday.

Perched on a fence post like a feathered gargoyle, Androscoggin launched a surprise aerial assault while Sandy attempted the simple act of opening a gate. He was promptly confronted and retreated to the hen house like the overconfident barnyard bully he was. Another “come-to-Jesus” conversation ensued, in which Sandy clearly laid out the terms: one more incident, and it would be his last.

Apparently, Androscoggin did not take her seriously.

This morning, as Sandy was lovingly tending to a newborn lamb—a pure, gentle moment of peace and maternal devotion—Androscoggin saw his chance for vengeance. Like a mustache-twirling villain in a bad Western, he charged. He flapped. He flogged. He bit off more than his spurs could handle.

Sandy, channeling the wrath of every woman who’s ever had one too many things go sideways before breakfast, left the lamb, fetched the .22, and ended the skirmish with a single shot. He was dispatched swiftly and his body was tossed over the fence into the waiting jaws of the dog. All that remains are a few loose feathers, some entrails, and the faint echo of a warning crow.

A brief memorial service will be held this evening from 8:00 to 8:01 pm, or until someone brings up what's for dinner. Burial of remains will take place when the snow melts.

No charges are being filed, as authorities have ruled it a clear-cut case of barnyard self-defense.

Androscoggin is survived by 12 hens, none of whom appear particularly broken up about it. In fact, morale in the coop seems noticeably higher.

Condolences and expressions of sympathy (or victory dances on behalf of the hens) may be posted in the comments below. In lieu of flowers, the family asks that you simply respect personal space and never underestimate a farm woman with a rifle.

31 comments:

Peggy said...

I love it!!!!!

Anonymous said...

ROFLOL!!

Love this story!! Just wondering if this will make it in to your SS lesson anytime soon? :)

Bil

Melanie said...

OH TOOOOOOOOOOOO! Funny. ROFLOL:)

Megan said...

Great! I was literally LOL!

Don't forget that the nastiest roosters taste the best!

Anonymous said...

Sorry I missed the memorial service, Sandy. Life goes by so fast! LOL

Rini

Shelley said...

Sandy - I am laughing wickedly right now! (I think the Audubon Society may revoke my membership if they find out that I found this extremely humorous!) :)

Anonymous said...

Sandy.... Could you come to my house and take care of Prince Albert, too?

Anonymous said...

My sincere and deepest sympathy for your loss of that little twit.
Judi

Tonia said...

OH GOSH That is TOOOO funny! It just so happens a few roos met their maker here too. My hens looked like half plucked chickens and the renegade roos that got away last fall and were not processed were fed to the pigs today..... Very entertaining post!!

Anonymous said...

I think this is a terrible thing. You wasted a bullet on a rotten rooster? When enough becomes enough in my barnyard, I place a foot on the beast's head, grab his feet, and dispatch the jerk with one quick jerk. Then I don't have to worry about the dog breaking a tooth.

Good on ya!

Anonymous said...

haha, i've a rooster like that.
but I question the wisdom of giving the dog a taste for chicken, could spell trouble down the road.

Anonymous said...

My sincerest sympathy to Sparkle 17 and the crew. I believe I saw this scenario on an episode of CSI Colebrook, or was it a John Grisham novel?

MizGreenJeans said...

ROFLMAO...

The meanest roosters make the best soup, IMO. Or dog food, as the case may be.

;)

Andrea said...

Something just takes over...enough is enough. In Lieu of flowers, I send understanding and chuckles. The girls will be a bit more relaxed now I'm guessing.

Anonymous said...

Rather suspect the hens celebrated!
Kris

Anonymous said...

Sometimes a lady has to do, what a lady needs to do to these pesky little critters.

Anonymous said...

Any feathers left ??? I would love to combine them to my jewelry!! (i use the proceeds to help support Heather, my Great Pyrenees Service dog ) I can add a note to said jewelry and plug your farm if you would like. Josephine Morningstar & Heather, GP Masd

cissy said...

Oh, the tragedy of it all............must've been a touching memorial service; sorry we all missed it. I'll light a candle.

Anonymous said...

TY, I needed a good laugh. Our dogs, Akbash, are fed a raw diet and know the difference between 'dead food' and a live animal in their charge.
GOOD ON YOU!!!
I do question the talks as my hubbies says I am wasting my breath when I do it(((Grin)))

Sandy@American Way Farm said...

Thanks to everyone for your sympathies. And I'm glad so many days were brightened with a chuckle. It was certainly more peaceful around here this morning - got to sleep until 7 a.m. without Androscoggin's crowing which usually started at 3 a.m. And if you missed the memorial service, well you didn't miss much.

Bill - not sure how that would go over in SS but I'll let you know if I try it.
Shellmo - I won't tell them.
Muppy - Prince Albert belongs in a can!
Tonia - Happy pigs are always the best.
DSF - It was actually quicker to grab the .22 than chase the rooster.
Amy B - CSI Colebrook - bet that'd be a pretty good show. We could feature your global warming bumper sticker in it too.
DivaHick & MizGreenJeans - I would have prepared him for dinner but I was busy with a day-old sick lamb. The dog seemed quicker at the time.

Josephine - Sorry, I forgot you might want feathers. I did happen to retrieve some that I think can be salvaged. Let me know how I can get them to you. Just think about it - our beloved Androscoggin immortalized! LOL

And yes, dogs know the difference between living things and something dead. This actually was my Weimaraner who got the bird. He knows to leave the live ones alone but when Mom threw him a dead one, well, YIPPEE!

Anonymous said...

Absolutely, hysterical! Had a similar incident with our rooster. He flogged my husband one too many times and after a swift swat with a hoe that accidently rendered him unconscious, he decided to take advantage of the situation and finish him off. I have sworn off roosters every since. I have never had a nice one.

shawna

NCmountainwoman said...

I popped over from Shelley's blog. I LOVED the story. I used to visit my Grandpa's farm and was scared to death of his rooster.

I'm glad I found your blog and will look forward to reading the archives.

Anonymous said...

Came over from Shellys blog and this is one of the funniest things I have ever read!

Ruth Ann said...

My goodness, I never knew a rooster could have such an obit writen or have such a fearless owner. What a great story!

Constance said...

I am from Shelly's blog and this started my day with a big grin, just what I needed! Very creative!
Connie

grammy said...

Hi, I came over from Shelly's Log Cabin. Loved the story. Are you really that handy with a gun. I am sure he deserved it (o: Also enjoyed the Sky Angel Cowboy clip and more.

The Three Little Bears said...

I wasn't sure if I could laugh or not at first! lol I love it! My husband is going to love this too. LMAO!!!

Shellmo! I am shocked at your response! You bad bird lover you!

Anonymous said...

Sandy - I am going to print this for my Mother-in-law (no internet - dark ages, ya know!) She is is the condemnor here, hubby is the executioner. I can totally empathize with your "discussion" techniques; funny though, mean roosters never seem to listen! Thanks for an AM giggle!

Anonymous said...

What a great story. I'm sure the service was fitting,

Is the Dog being charged with anything?

Sandy@American Way Farm said...

roadrash1970 - nope, the evidence got destroyed! :-)Sandy

Jeri said...

That's hilarious! Would you mind having a "chat" with the squirrels on my bird feeders?