Phone rings. Because of course it does—right in the middle of something important, like watching the goats commit petty crimes from the kitchen window.
Me: Hello?
Caller: Hello, may I speak to Mr. or
Mrs. Davis?
Me: This is Mrs. Davis.
Caller: Good
morning, Mrs. Davis! I'm calling from Sears & Roebuck. How are
you this morning?
Me: I'm fine. But I should tell you—I
don’t accept unsolicited or telemarketing calls.
Caller: Oh
no, this isn’t a telemarketing call. I'm just calling to let you
know your freezer warranty is about to expire.
Me: Well,
thank you for telling me that. Goodbye.
Caller: Wait—I'm
calling to offer you an extended warranty!
Me: Ah, so let
me get this straight—you weren't invited to call AND you're trying
to sell me something. Congratulations! You’ve achieved the Unholy
Telemarketing Trinity: unsolicited, unwanted, and uninteresting.
Remove me from your list and don’t call again.
Caller:
Wait, wait—
Me: (click)
Look, if my freezer has survived this long in a barn that sees -40°F and occasional goat interference, I think it's already proven itself. It doesn’t need a warranty—it needs a trophy and possibly a therapist.
Moral of the story: If you’re going to try and sell me an extended warranty on an appliance older than some of my grandchildren, you’d better at least open with flattery. Or, better yet, chocolate.
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