Tuesday, September 20, 2016

This Call May Be Recorded for Maximum Annoyance

Phone rings. Because of course it does—right in the middle of something important, like watching the goats commit petty crimes from the kitchen window.

Me: Hello?
Caller: Hello, may I speak to Mr. or Mrs. Davis?
Me: This is Mrs. Davis.
Caller: Good morning, Mrs. Davis! I'm calling from Sears & Roebuck. How are you this morning?
Me: I'm fine. But I should tell you—I don’t accept unsolicited or telemarketing calls.
Caller: Oh no, this isn’t a telemarketing call. I'm just calling to let you know your freezer warranty is about to expire.
Me: Well, thank you for telling me that. Goodbye.
Caller: Wait—I'm calling to offer you an extended warranty!
Me: Ah, so let me get this straight—you weren't invited to call AND you're trying to sell me something. Congratulations! You’ve achieved the Unholy Telemarketing Trinity: unsolicited, unwanted, and uninteresting. Remove me from your list and don’t call again.
Caller: Wait, wait—
Me: (click)

Look, if my freezer has survived this long in a barn that sees -40°F and occasional goat interference, I think it's already proven itself. It doesn’t need a warranty—it needs a trophy and possibly a therapist.

Moral of the story: If you’re going to try and sell me an extended warranty on an appliance older than some of my grandchildren, you’d better at least open with flattery. Or, better yet, chocolate.


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